Domestic Abuse: Red Flags, Impact & Finding Support
- Fiona Heard
- Apr 7
- 4 min read
Humans are social creatures, shaping our identities through relationships—family, work, hobbies and intimate partnerships. Healthy relationships are founded on mutual respect and love. However, not all relationships meet these basis needs and, instead, are based on control and abuse.
According to an Office for National Statistics (ONS) report based on the crime survey for England & Wales (March 2024) (ONS, 2024), an estimated 2.3 million people (16 and over) in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the previous year - 1.6 million women and 712,000 men.
How can you determine if you feel you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship? What makes the ‘honeymoon period’ a precursor to a controlling and abusive relationship? Understanding the warning signs or red flags and taking them seriously is essential for staying safe in a new relationship or calling out an existing one, as abuse often begins subtly, escalating over time.
Recognising Red Flags in an Abusive Relationship
Pre-relationship history – The abuser has a past of stalking or abuse, which may be revealed early in the relationship.
Fast-tracked romance – Over-the-top love declarations, jealousy and possessiveness appear early on – ‘love-bombing’.
Coercive control – The relationship shifts to control, manipulation and isolation.
Trigger event – A breakup, financial strain, or another stressor threatens the abuser’s control.
Escalation – The abuser intensifies their tactics, using stalking, threats or self-harm to maintain control.
Shift in thinking – The abuser either moves on or plans revenge, sometimes with lethal intent.
Planning stage – The abuser may acquire weapons, track the individual, or look for an opportunity to act.
Homicide – The most extreme and tragic outcome, sometimes involving children or other individuals.
(Monckton-Smith, 2019).
Stalking and Coercive Control– Stalking is a form of harassment and relates to behaviour that is both repeated and unwanted. Coercive control is domestic abuse involving a pattern of behaviour intended to dominate or control another person often involving a combination of tactics. It is not always easy to identify at first and can be subtle and insidious. The control is aimed at stripping the individual of their autonomy, self-confidence and support network.
The Psychological & Emotional Impact of Abuse
Being in an abusive relationship, being a child in a household where such abuse exists or existed or a family member of an abused individual – all are in some way affected by the cycle of abuse and this can cause long-term harm, including:
PTSD, anxiety, and depression
Low self-esteem and loss of self-confidence
Hyper-vigilance and trust issues
Shame, guilt and self-blame
Substance misuse as a coping mechanism
Abusers often use a push-pull strategy, regaining control after a breakup through manipulation, guilt or threats. This cycle makes it hard for individuals to leave.
Getting Help: The Importance of Counselling & Support.
Why Counselling Matters:Experiencing or witnessing domestic abuse can have a lasting psychological impact. Counselling provides a safe, non-judgemental space to process trauma, rebuild confidence and feel empowered to regain control.
Healing from Trauma – Abuse can cause PTSD, anxiety, depression and emotional numbness. Therapy helps break the cycle of fear and self-blame.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem – Abusers often break down an individual’s sense of self-worth. Counselling helps rediscover personal strength and independence.
Breaking the Cycle – Many survivors struggle with unhealthy relationship patterns. Therapy helps recognise red flags and build healthy boundaries.
Support for Families – Domestic abuse does not just affect the individual. Family members, including children and friends, may need guidance in understanding, coping and healing.
Validation & Empowerment – If you have doubts, feel unheard or question your experiences, counselling can help you feel seen, understood and supported.
Resources
There are a number of initiatives by relatives of those who have been murdered by their partner to protect others and publicise domestic abuse. These include an initiative called ‘Raneem’s law’ to embed domestic abuse specialists in 999 control rooms, stronger protection orders and better individual support that is currently being trialled in 5 counties. ‘Clare’s law’ to allow an individual to request information from the police about a partner’s history of abuse or violence and a number of apps that can be downloaded and offer advice or protection in times of threat or fear. Further information is given in the links below.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg1l5v5d52o (Raneem’s law - initiative to embed domestic abuse specialists in 999 call centres and better communication between forces about an individual).
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet#:~:text=The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme,previous abusive or violent offending. Clare’s law – providing a right to ask and a right to know about a partner’s previous abusive or violent offending.
https://hollieguard.com/#support – an app that can track your location and can alert emergency contacts.
References
Office for National Statistics: Domestic abuse in England and Wales overview: November 2024
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2024 (Accessed 31 March 2025)
Monckton-Smith, J. (2019). The Homicide Timeline. https://efjca.eu/doc/Presentation-Jane-Monckton-Smithe-Homicide-Timeline.pdf (Accessed 31 March 2025).
If you are in a place of fear or threat consider contacting the appropriate authorities tasked to ensure you are protected, these could be the police, your local authority, a domestic abuse charity or a trusted friend or family member. If you are unable to talk when calling 999, you can tap 55 on your keypad and this will alert the call handler to the seriousness of your situation.